Published Nov. 18, 2005
What should we tell the children?
During the last month, sex abuse allegations against priests in Alaska have led newspaper headlines and prime spots in TV news coverage.
This is not a surprise. Stories involving scandal receive top attention. Scandals associated with religion are particularly noteworthy.
How do we discuss these issues with our children?
Because the reports are often sensationalized and inaccurate, it is a good idea to focus on personal safety lessons rather than on the "facts" as reported on TV or in the newspaper. Children can benefit from an approach that uses the stories as a springboard to develop concepts and practices that lead to safe practice.
In every case of child sexual abuse, the abuser has manipulated the victim into keeping the abuse a secret. With younger children, it works well to emphasize the topic of appropriate secrets.
Children are fascinated by secrets. They often practice having and telling secrets with their friends. The behaviors surrounding the keeping and breaking of secrets are part of social group learning among elementary school aged children.
It is important to stress with this age group that they are not required to keep certain secrets. Any time an older person asks a youth to keep sexual activity secret, that secret is not binding. The older person (teenager or adult) has no right to ask a child to keep sexual secrets or to have any sexual contact with a child under any circumstances.
With adolescents the discussion of sexual abuse cases within the church can take on greater depth. Topics can include the right of each person to personal respect and integrity. Youth can think about what boundaries they need to set regarding sexual activity. They can also learn that perpetrators can be personable, well educated, attractive adults working in capacities that give them ready access to youth. They need to know that no kind of work is protected from infiltration by a perpetrator.
Most of all, they need to think about where to turn if they are uncomfortable in a situation or if someone approaches them with information about sexual abuse.
If sexual abuse was not discussed with children in the past, it needs to be discussed now.
We need to bring a bright light to shine on the dark corners where abusers like to hide. Children and youth need help to develop comfort in discussing issues of sexual abuse.