Published Aug. 26, 2005
Be helpful but firm when child seeks independence
The beginning of a new school year can be a time when children want more independence — more overnights, walking or riding a bike to school instead of using the school bus, staying at home alone after school, and so forth. Responding to developing independence can be a challenge for parents.
In "Raising Careful, Confident Kids in a Crazy World," Paula Statman suggests a four-step process as a parent’s response to growing independence.
1. Protect. It is the parent’s job to observe the child and decide whether he or she is ready for the new step. If the answer is no, it is the parent’s job to protect by delaying permission. Young people need to know that they need additional skills in order to be safe in the new phase of independence, and that the parent will help them learn these skills. The "no" is not forever; it is until the child is able to learn and apply the necessary behaviors to keep safe.
2. Prepare. It is often possible to teach mini-lessons that will help the child grow in maturity. This is where the "what would you do if …" discussions can occur. Stories in the newspaper or on television can be springboards into talks about how to avoid dangers to personal safety.
A request such as staying alone at home after school involves many small skills — how to answer the phone and door, whom to contact in an emergency, what to do before entering if the house looks suspicious when the child arrives home and so forth. Until the parent decides that the young person is ready for the entire responsibility, it is helpful to prepare the child by teaching these individual skills that the child will need later.
3. Practice: Talking is not enough. Children need chances to practice safely. For example, if the goal is for the child to stay at home alone after school, the parent even while at home can have the child answer the door and phone. This is a good way for the parent to observe how skill development is coming along.
4. Prompt. Prompting is not nagging. It is tactfully reminding the child of lessons learned. Children get excited or distracted. Even when a skill has been mastered, parents need to gently remind and review expectations so that children remember to use it.